Headlines!
All together now: What could possibly go wrong?
As a writer, this is my answer: Everything and more!
Let's dissect this article writer-style, shall we? Bold mine.
A police search is underway after 43 monkeys escaped from a research facility in South Carolina on Wednesday night.
Police
in Yemassee, Beaufort County, said the Rhesus macaque primates escaped
from Alpha Genesis, a business that provides "nonhuman primate products
and bio-research services," according to its website.
Uh-huh. So, research animals. Check!
The monkeys were a group of "very young females" that have never been
used for testing. An Alpha Genesis spokesperson confirmed to police that
the animals "are too young to carry disease," according to police
statement.
So they do primate "research services", aka testing, but 43 animals are living there rent-free without having been subject to any testing. And as far as being "too young to carry disease", we vaccinate infants.
But denial of danger to the public is typical of the people in charge of the danger, and this will definitely come back to bite the spokesperson in the ass as anyone who's ever seen a movie like this knows, so...check!
"Alpha Genesis currently have eyes on the primates and are working to entice them with food," police said Thursday afternoon.
In other words, we got nothing. We don't control them and are hoping they get hungry enough to be dumb enough to be captured. Great plan right there. The comedic breather before the upcoming carnage. Check.
Traps have also been set up and officers are using thermal imaging cameras in an attempt to recapture the animals, police said.
Cue the scene where an officer is scoping out a monkey via thermal imaging, only to have another killer monkey sneak up on him and attack, dispatching him in a most gory fashion. AKA, The "Clever girl!" scene. Check!
“Residents are strongly advised to keep doors and windows secured to
prevent these animals from entering homes,” Yemassee Sheriff’s
Department said in a statement.
Primates are smart in real life, and they're even smarter in movies. Either way you know they'll find the one point of entry you forgot to secure. Check!
Anyone who finds a monkey should not interact with it but instead call 911, it said.
No shit, Sherlock! But for the sake of playing along, we'll have the idiot character who doesn't know the difference between domesticated pets and wild animals, only to learn the hard way he's wrong. Or it could be some chick from PETA who is just so sure she can communicate with her sister primates, who stupidly thinks that they'll understand her and bond with her, giving her the opportunity to save the day....only to learn the hard way she's wrong. But we know what happens to both of these characters - they get ripped to shreds. Lots of screaming and blood. Check!
Alpha Genesis did not immediately respond to an overnight request for comment from NBC News.
Evil, mad scientists stonewalling the noble media. Check!
The company secured a federal contract to run a colony of 3,500 monkeys on Morgan Island off the coast of South Carolina, also known as Monkey Island.
And there's your title: Monkey Island. Also, THREE THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED MONKEYS??? Who thought this was a good idea. Damn, you couldn't pay me enough to work on that island.
The Post and Courier newspaper in Beaufort County reported that primate escapes have happened several times before in the area, including in May this year, and in 2016 when 19 evaded security at Alpha Genesis before they were recaptured six hours later.
In 2022, three monkeys escaped following a traffic accident in rural Pennsylvania.
So it's happened before? Have you learned nothing from the previous escapes? Of course not. They never do.
Outbreak, anyone?
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