Recent reading: Alfred Hitchcock and Ellery Queen Mystery Magazines

Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine and Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine continue to run late under the new publisher, but that's okay because I'm behind on reading. Word is they have a new printer and will catch up over the next few issues.

 

Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine

January/February 2026

 

Some favorites from this historical themed issue: 

• "Glass Beach" by Michael Bracken: A fun, twisty tale about what happens when a teen and his stepfather discover the spoils of a years old payroll theft and decide to keep it, learning about money laundering and local corruption in the process. 

• "Paradise Stolen" by Mark Thielman: Philip Hawksley, the vestry clerk at St. Giles-without-Cripplegate Church, is charged with recovering purloined body parts taken from famous poet John Milton, whose casket was uncovered in the church during repairs. Some local pubsters under the influence went from wanting a peek to making off with pieces of Milton's shroud, some swatches of hair, a few teeth and most alarmingly, a rib. In spite of the gruesome topic, Hawksley is a fun, entertaining character and watching him pull off his investigation was a treat. Would love to see more of Hawksley in the future. 

• "Illegal in All States" by John H. Dirckx: Sergeant Dollinger has to get creative to solve the mysterious death of a cameraman who died on the set of a crime-recreation show. 

• "Left Hand, Third Finger" by Jim Fusilli: A great, but brutal story. After her rich fiance breaks their engagement, Emily Michaelangelo has no intention of returning the extremely valuable engagement ring. When a mysterious stranger takes it with horrific force her retired cop grandfather is on the case, with an assist from Emily, who has inherited his toughness.  

• "When the First Body Drops" by Steve Liskow: A highly entertaining story of a woman who gets carried away with a plan for revenge when she discovers proof of her husband's infidelity by setting him up for his bimbo's would-be murder. However, things go awry and they both become suspects in her disappearance. 

 

Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine

January/February 2026 

 

Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine dedicates the January/February issue each year to Sherlock Holmes, so there were several Holmes pastiches in this issue. 

• "The Final Problem" by Terence Faherty: According to the intro, this is "The final story in Terence Faherty's current series of Holmes parodies that have appeared in EQMM." This story suggests that Holmes didn't die in a confrontation with Professor Moriarty, but that the story was a cover for him simply walking away from detecting, having found love and embarking on a new life. Great voice for Watson and full of fun twists and suspense. Bonus points: Even though I haven't read the others stories in the series, this story works just fine as a standalone. 

• "Where's Pete?" by Nick Guthrie: The lead singer of punk band The Guttersnipes mysteriously vanishes just before a gig that could result in a record deal. If you want to flashback to the early days of 1970's punk, this story is for you. 

• "The Adventure of the Belgravian Banshee" by Michael Mallory: Another great Holmes story, in which a carriage driver asks for the great detective's help protecting his ailing employer, Lord Atherton, from what he describes as the curse of a banshee. With Holmes otherwise occupied, he sends Watson in his place to check on the victim's condition. This is presented by Watson as a case that Holmes had asked him not to write about because even though he solves the mystery, he was not able to prevent the death of Lord Atherton and didn't want this failure publicized, so Watson had waited until two years after Holmes's death at the hands of Professor Moriarty. 

• "Coins in the Box" by Kate Hohl: Another Holmes pastiche, going back to when Holmes and Watson first take rooms at 221 Baker Street, run by a landlady with a dark secret to protect and deductive skills of her own. 

 

Recent reading: EQMM and AHMM

The new publisher is still behind (I don't have the Jan/Feb issues yet) but I'm also behind on reading, so I guess that makes us even.

 

 Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine (September/October 2025)

 

Favorites from this issue:

• "The Corpse Collector" by David Morrell: A dental assistant moonlights as a pickup driver for a funeral director for extra money and uses her day job skills to determine that the seemingly accidental death of an old man was actually murder.
• "Where the Good Dogs Go" by Kai Lovelace: A dog's sickness pits his owners against each other - Rose, who wants to sink money they don't have into his treatment, and Brad, the husband she feels increasingly distant from and who she suspects of having the dog euthanized. Rose gets a rude surprise when she decides to take revenge on Brad. Great twist ending.
• "The Book of Dead Cats" by Sue Parman: A mysterious death of a professor at a prep school, eccentric characters, family drama, and cats.  

 

Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine (November/December 2025)

 

Favorites from this issue:

• "Doctor Morbilius" by Gary Phillips: Set in the 1960's, this story sees a Los Angeles PI and his estranged father caught up in a scam perpetrated by a charismatic conman.
• "Fursona Non Grata" by Richard Helms: A fun story about a supposedly psychic eccentric who assists a detective in solving a murder of a furry (a guy in a dog costume). 
• "Halloween Party" by David Dean: A young woman wants to get to know her new neighbors and neighborhood, only to get more information than she bargained for in this tale of infidelity, scandal, and murder. 

Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine (November/December 2025)

 

Favorites from this issue:

• "Circumstantial Evidence" by Eric B. Ruark: A bicyclist discovers a murder victim in a small town and is pressed to stick around because he's a potential suspect. When local troublemakers are arrested for the crime, the cyclist is free to leave...only to reveal that he's a contract killer and the murder was, in fact, his doing. Terrific use of an unreliable narrator. I did not see that ending coming AT ALL.
• "Take Me for a Ride" by Michael Mallory: Set in post-WWII Los Angeles, this is the story of a private eye who takes on the case of a valuable stolen car for an old war buddy, only to have it turn into an increasingly complicated murder case.
• "The Other Side of the Window" by Adrian McKinty: One of my favorite stories of the year. It's Hitchcock's Rear Window from the POV of Lars Thorwald, the killer played by Raymond Burr in the film. We learn how he reached the point of killing his wife (accidentally) after meeting another woman, who wants them to run off to California, and who enthusiastically helps Thorwald dispose of the wife's body and establish his alibi. An interesting aspect is how much the characters of Jefferies (James Stewart) and Lisa Fremont (Grace Kelly) were minimalized. The character of Helen, Thorwald's paramour, doesn't appear in the film and is a device created to explain how and why Thorwald's wife ended up dead. Just a really great alternative take on a classic.
• "A New Life" by LaToya Jovena: A man seeks sole ownership of his late mother's twenty acre property with plans to turn it into a multi-million dollar development scheme, but his estranged daughter has other ideas. Great double-cross at the end.  

Recent Reading: "Riding for the Blue: A Celebration of Horse Shows"

 

Riding for the Blue: A Celebration of Horse Shows

By Cindy Hale

Photographs by Sharon P. Fibelkorn

 

I've had this book for years stashed in the old horse crazy girl stack that seemed more and more a thing of the past, books that seemed like an indulgence that I probably needed to leave behind. But I've had some recent revelations about what was really important in my life and I realized how much I've missed being around horses. Getting back into the saddle has always been something I thought was increasingly unreachable for a number of reasons (for one, the sheer cost of it in L.A.) so that particular realization that I've spent years away from the one thing that was always most important to me growing up was a jolt, hence the refocus.

 

Riding for the Blue is one part gorgeous picture book, and for me, one part nostalgia-fest of the shows I rode in during my younger years. Nothing major, just local stuff, but I still have my ribbons and some horse equipment that I've been unable to part with. Too bad I didn't take the hint sooner, I might be riding right now instead of typing a blog post. This book was published in 2003 and I'm sure shows have changed a lot since then, but even dated, Hale imbues the show life with a love of horses and everything about them, and I got caught up immediately and devoured this in one sitting.

 

Although it's a pretty quick read, Hale covers a lot of ground regarding various types of horses, riders, shows, and everybody involved with them: hunters, jumpers, dressage, western, breed shows, rookie riders, green horses, trainers, judges, show moms, sportsmanship and character building, and much more. Even though showing wasn't a big part of my riding life, it did bring back memories of early mornings, performance jitters, and just the sheer joy of partnering up with a beloved half-ton animal. I also got a kick out of the fact that Hale mentions that over time, blue first-place ribbons will fade to purple, which is ironic because in horse shows purple ribbons denote a seventh-place finish.

 

Cindy Hale is (was?) a long-time contributor to Horse Illustrated magazine (which I recently resubscribed to) and they published the first chapter as an excerpt, which you can read here. 

 

Some of the gorgeous images from the book:

 

 

Recent reading: Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine

AHMM and Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine have been running late, and so have I in reading them.

Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine 

(September/October 2025)

 

Favorites from this issue: 

• "High in That Ivory Tower" by Joseph S. Walker: A jaded English professor tries to blackmail a filthy rich student, with unexpected results when the young man's father shows up to confront him. Bonus points for the shoutout to "The Cask of Amontillado" during the shock ending.
• "The Promise" by Ken Brosky: A PI looking for a missing crime witness has to drag his teenage daughter along for the job and is pleasantly surprised when she shows unexpected aptitude and enthusiasm.
• "Julius Katz Draws a Straight Flush" by Dave Zeltserman: Imaginative story about a PI and his AI assistant, who not only assists but authors tales of their legendary exploits, and how they brilliantly solve the seemingly innocuous case of a dead waiter. 4/30/26: This just won the Edgar Award for Best Short Story of 2025.
• "Tell Me a Story, Grampa" by Loren D. Estleman: The story Grampa tells young Randy is about an old, unsolved bank robbery that has become legend in their small town, with a very unexpected twist at the end that reveals the robber that everyone thought got away.
• "Murder in F-Sharp" by Stephen Ross: A teenage music student discovers the identity of the murderer of a teacher at his school, then uses this knowledge to ruthlessly manipulate two adults in his life - his father and his piano teacher. Another great, unexpected twist at the end.
• "The Selwyn Arms" by Marcelle Dube: A formerly homeless young woman investigates the murder of a kind neighbor after realizing local police are going to write it off as an accidental overdose or suicide. Probably my favorite of all the stories and I would love to see more of unlikely heroine Ethel Brownlee, especially with the unexpected news she receives at the end of the story. Plus, I'm a sucker for vintage buildings like the Selwyn.

 Next up, EQMM.

Recent reading: Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine

 

Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine (July/August 2025)

 

My favorite stories in this issue:

• "The Violent Season" by  Jessica Van Dessel: Set in the 1950's when cause was needed for divorce, a man allows himself to be set up for "adultery" photos, but is drawn into a murder. His wife is the unlikely hero in this story.
• "Slow Burn" by Mark Thielman: A man poisons his wife, but she still gets her post-mortem revenge.
•  "Penalty for Early Withdrawal" by Michael Bracken: A broke, unemployed aspiring actress gets caught up in a bank robbery and attempts to use her acting skills to help herself to the loot. 
• "Heartsick" by Marcelle Dube: A young woman has poisoned her husband, but the case isn't that cut and dried.
• "Horseshoe Pies and Hand Grenade Hushpuppies" by Roger Johns: A former grifter attempts to atone for past sins by helping a former mark who has been victimized again, this time by a small-town gigolo.
• "Double Take" by T.M. Bradshaw: A New York detective works the murder of a man who is part of a group of golden-age Hollywood look-alikes, including a Lauren Bacall who steals, then breaks his heart. This story was published as the winner of the Black Orchid Novella Award. 

 

Recent reading: Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine

Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine (July/August 2025)

 

My favorite stories in this issue:

• "Advantage: Lily" by Sara Paretsky: According to the introduction and author's notes this story introduces a new series character whose first novel is in-progress. Lily Arima is a seventy-something retired CIA agent, and here she uses her professional skills to straighten out an insurance company that is rejecting massive medical bills incurred by a neighbor who suffered a stroke. Based on this reading, Lily's further adventures are something to look forward to.
• "How It Happened" by Billie Kay Fern: A beautifully told tale of justice served on abusive and cheating spouses, as told by a sweet but knowing young farmgirl. Really fantastic job on the girl's voice. 4/30/26: This story just won the Robert L. Fish Memorial Award for best first mystery short story by an American author at the Edgars last night.
• "Me and Extra and Those Piercing Green Eyes" by Peter Turnbull: Its cumbersome title notwithstanding (Extra is a dog and the green eyes belong to a detective) this is a terrific story told by a serial killer as to how he's gotten away with it for so long, and how he's finally tripped up by a crooked cop and the cop's equally vicious wife.
•  "The Tower at Coffin Rock" by Dennis McFadden: A sheriff investigates the suspicious death of a young woman who had accused his estranged brother of rape. A nice twist at the end indicating that the victim may not have been the victimized.
• "Cold" by Robin Castle: Another fun twist ending for the story of a young woman who discovers the body of a murder victim while jogging on the beach. 
• "Cur Non" by Shelly Eisenhautchen: A ruthless, ambitious literary agent hires a young woman who seems to be the perfect assistant, not realizing the new hire has a tie to a writer the agent once publicly humiliated.

 

Recent reading: Alfred Hitchcock's and Ellery Queen Mystery Magazines

Trying to catch up on my short story reading. Not doing very well - I'm still a couple issues behind. Add in the fact that I'm working my way through the new short story anthology inspired by Stephen King's The Stand and I'll probably fall even further behind on the magazines. Me and my first world problems.

   

 Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine (March/April 2025)

Favorites from this issue: 

• "Bent, Bent & Duckworth" by Alexis Stefanovich-Thomson: A well-plotted story with a put-upon PI protagonist whose mother and step-father attempt to take over his business.
  
• "I Ain't Got No Home" by Steve Liskow: A missing homeless man prompts an investigation that leads to the exposure of human trafficking and political corruption.
• "Admissions" by Ken Linn: High-level academic shenanigans. 
• "Quick Turnaround" by Gabriela Stiteler: A professional downsizer gets involved in a local mystery that doesn't concern him.
  
• "Boogie Shoes" by Jeff Marks: A locked-room mystery set in a mall shoe store circa late 1970's - bonus points for the Waldenbooks shoutout.
  

 

 Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine (May/June 2025)

 

Favorites from this issue (one of the best overall I've seen in recent memory):

• "The Portrait of Adrian Whyte" by David Dead: My favorite short story so far this year,  an imaginative tale that suggests the inspiration for Oscar Wilde's novel The Picture of Dorian Gray might have involved a real-life murder.
  
•  "The Witch's Ball" by Elizabeth Elwood: A lively story of a celebrity murder during Halloween festivities at a witch museum in Salem.
• "Tarzan Must Die!" by Loren D. Estleman: A UCLA film archivist gets mixed up in the murder of an actor whose career has seen better days.
• "Nighthawks" by James Hazelton: A terrific flash fiction story inspired by Edward Hopper's famous painting, in which the author gives his take on the patrons at the counter. Spoiler alert - no one is innocent. You'll see this painting a whole different way after reading this story.
  

• "Blues in the Night" by Persia Walker: In 1940's New Orleans, a young nightclub singer takes on corruption in the police force and local politics to clear her name in the murder of her boyfriend. This read like something that could be expanded into a novel. The fact that I should have been in NOLA for Bouchercon this week just added to the reading experience.
  
• "Shamus and Buster" by Paul Ryan O'Connor: A P.I. is murdered and the investigation is told from the point of view of his aged cat.
  
• "A Short Madness" by Josh Pachter: The story of how a psychologist solves a "locked-cell" murder mystery set in an 1850's era mental institution, as told years later by his assistant.
  

 

Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine (May/June 2025)

 

Favorites from this issue:

• "The Twenty-Fourth Canterbury" by Richard Helms: A successful author wants to end his hit series but is being pressured for just one more installment of his legendary sleuth.
• "Shane on the Scene" by James A. Hearn: A fun story about a young mystery fan who gets to help his detective uncle solve a case and thwart his mother's marriage to a crook at the same time.
  
• "Buds" by Kevin Egan: A play on words title and a fun story about a trial between a star and her former manager, and how a trio of court guards are drawn into the case.
• "Nobody Cares" by Michael A. Black: A dead homeless guy who is more than he seems leads a pair of detectives into local politics and corruption.
• "The Tell-Tale Hearts" by S. Frederic Liss: Detective Poe relates to the mysterious case of how he channeled Sherlock Holmes to solve the case of involuntary heart donors/murder victims.

 

Customer Service Fail, Magazine Subscription Division

I have a bunch of magazine subscriptions. I love hard copies; digital magazines don't do it for me. I also constantly receive urgently worded renewal notices that make it sound like my subscription is expiring RIGHT NOW, only to check and discover (more often than not) that I'm nowhere near the renewal date. I get why they do this - cash flow. If you renew early, they get their money sooner. I often wonder how many people fall for that. You must be in danger of having your subscription expire, because otherwise why would the publisher be sending you an urgent renewal notice, right? (Because $$$, that's why).

But the notice I got yesterday really blew me away with not only the harsh tone, which I found unacceptable from a customer service point of view, but also by the blatant deception. Check this out (caps and bold are theirs):

 

Melinda Loomis

This is your THIRD RENEWAL NOTICE

Melinda 

AVOID SERVICE

INTERRUPTION:

RENEW TODAY!

RE: SUBSCRIPTION STATUS: EXPIRING 

 

This is the THIRD NOTICE we have sent about your (name of magazine) subscription. We have yet to hear from you.

 

The next paragraph advises that, "Because time is now a factor..." they are generously offering a renewal savings deal. There's just a couple of problems with that.

First of all, am I being hypersensitive because I find this tone unnecessary and unacceptable? Seriously, who wrote this? Who thought it was a good idea to use address a customer like this. I have a customer service background, and I would NEVER have taken this tone with a client. EVER.

 

Second, and here's the real kicker: The reason they have yet to hear from me is because this magazine doesn't renew until OCTOBER. It is currently mid-May. I ordered this subscription last September. And this is the THIRD renewal notice they've sent me? And they have the nerve to state that my "subscription status" is EXPIRING? It is nowhere NEAR expiring. This is a blatant lie. But if I hadn't checked, I would have likely sent the check out the same day.

Another thing I noticed is that one thing they DIDN'T include on this extremely important notice is the actual subscription renewal date. You would think that would be worth mentioning. That they purposely omitted it just adds to the deception, and isn't how I want to be treated as a paying customer.

On the back of the notice there's information I hadn't been previously aware of. They have a money-back policy. "We guarantee you may write to cancel your subscription at any time, for any reason, and that you will receive a full refund for all unmailed issues". I've never cancelled a magazine pre-renewal, if I don't want it anymore I just let it go at renewal time. But after this notice, I'm thinking of taking them up on their guarantee. This is a lifestyle magazine, not something important like a writing magazine. I can live without it if I have to, and I'm giving serious thought to doing just that.

Recent reading: "Deliberate Cruelty"

Deliberate Cruelty: Truman Capote, The Millionaire's Wife, and the Murder of the Century 

by Roseanne Montillo

I decided to read this after finishing Feud: Capote versus the Swans, and I'm glad I did. Between Feud and its inspiration (Capote's Women) this was my favorite covering the topic of Truman Capote and his "swans".

The book begins with the infamous exchange between Truman Capote and Ann Woodward at a restaurant in Saint Moritz in which Ann dismissed the writer as "a little fag" and he responded by addressing her as "Mrs. Bang Bang". Ann had shot her wealthy husband a few years earlier (accidentally or intentionally depended on who you asked) and as a result was exiled from the elite class that she hoped her advantageous marriage would make her a part of. Ironically (given his dismissive attitude toward Ann) Capote himself would be exiled from the same world years later when he betrayed his high-society swans by exposing secrets they had told him in confidence while thinly veiling them in a story called "Le Cote Basque 1965", published in Esquire Magazine in 1975. In addition to devastating his supposedly beloved swans, the story featured a murderous widow so clearly based on Ann Woodward that it drove her to suicide, while the other swans settled for ostracizing Capote from their ranks.

 

The book bounces back and forth between the small towns and unstable home lives that both Ann and Truman experienced growing up, and the drive for better lives that brought them both to New York City. Ann and Truman had more in common than he probably wanted to admit. They both grew up disadvantaged, small towners who aspired to big city life. Ann, like Truman's mother, tried desperately to join the elite ranks of old money New York. What Ann, Truman, and his mother attained in that pursuit would eventually lead to their respective downfalls. 

Ann Woodward was born into abject poverty in the Midwest and although her mother fought hard to improve their situation, things never seemed to work out the way she hoped. As Ann grew, she became obsessed with the idea of becoming a famous Hollywood actress and in early adulthood that ambition and her beauty led her to New York City, where she modeled, auditioned, and ended up as a showgirl at a popular nightclub. It was the showgirl job where she met a wealthy older man, William Woodward, and apparently became his mistress for a time.

Woodward was the president of a bank and a successful breeder of thoroughbred race horses. However, he was also married with a family, and eventually broke with Ann. In order to keep her close, he suggested that she date his son, William Jr., known as Billy. Woodward had other reasons for encouraging the experienced Ann to get involved with his only son - Billy was showing little interest in women, concerning to his socially prominent family, who wanted him to marry an "appropriate" society girl.

Woodward Senior's plan worked a little too well. Ann not only stimulated Billy's interest in her and her worldliness, but with a newly discovered appetite to rebel against his staid family, he decided to marry the colorful Ann. Neither of his parents approved, but the couple married anyway. It would not be a happy marriage. Over the years, the couple fought (often physically) and as Ann tried to remake herself into an upper class wife, Billy lost interest in her and began having affairs. By the time of the ill-fated night when Ann shot Billy, supposedly mistaking him for a prowler, the couple was on the verge of what promised to be a messy divorce.

Two decades later Ann committed suicide as word of "Le Cote Basque" began to leak. She had never been able or allowed to move beyond the "murder of the century" and although she'd drifted through life since the shooting, the story was apparently the final straw for her.

 

Very little time is spent on the other swans, although CZ Guest was at the party for the Duchess of Windsor that the Woodwards attended hours before Ann shot Billy, and apparently Capote picked her brain about that night. Guest was one of the few Swans who stuck with Capote after "Le Cote Basque" was published. There's also a minimum of Capote's gossipy bitchiness, which became an annoying part of his personality, at least in Feud. The focus is more on him as a writer. More attention is paid to the background that helped make him who he became, along with his ascension in the literary world than to his sometimes difficult personality. It also details his deterioration after he'd stabbed his swans in the back with his poison pen.

 

The title of the book is taken from a line written by Capote himself, in his story "The Thanksgiving Visitor": "There is only one unpardonable sin - deliberate cruelty." Too bad Capote didn't take his own advice.

 

From the book:

As the days counted down before the magazine went on sale, Ann Woodward grew more and more frenzied. She took medications, read the papers, sought out information from the few people who had remained in her life, but overall, she dreaded waking in the morning. One day in late October, she donned her favorite dress, painted her face in a thick layer of base, mascara, and lipstick, ingested a fistful of pills, and climbed into bed. The pills Ann Woodward swallowed were Seconal, the same drug that had killed Truman Capote's mother. 

Some good news and some bad news and some mind-blowing news

The good news: This is the first I've heard of this project, but after reading this article it instantly went on my must-see list: SNL 1975, a backstage look at the launch of the legendary Saturday Night Live, from Jason Reitman. If done right, this should be awesome. I loved Reitman's Thank Your for Smoking, and if he brings that sensibility to SNL 1975 this should be amazing. Not gonna lie, it was heartening to hear about a film that isn't a woke remake/reimagining/reboot or yet another superhero CGI-fest.

For once, this isn't applicable. Good times.

Bad (end of an era) news: Sports Illustrated may be done for good. More info here. I remember reading their coverage of Secretariat and Ruffian as a kid. Hard to tell from these articles if they can save the magazine, but it doesn't sound good. 

Crazy news: A then 13-14 year old Jodie Foster was offered role of Princess Leia in Star Wars. Imagine the Star Wars universe with a teen Leia leading the rebellion and how it would affect not just the first film, but the sequels as well. And what does it say about two-time Oscar winner Foster's talent that she skipped being in what turned out to be one of the biggest films of all-time and still has had an amazing career. I think the big question is what kind of career Carrie Fisher would have had if Foster had taken the role. I'd also love to know George Lucas's logic behind a child leading the rebellion and how they planned on making that work. The whole story is just kind of bonkers.

The utter brilliance of "The Worldwide Privacy Tour" - It's funny because it's true.

So South Park decided to take on Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, and it was glorious!

It's been almost a week since what is, in my opinion, the best South Park episode since the pitch-perfect gentrification season. I've been wanting to blog about it, but the story keeps expanding, so every time I thought it was safe to hit "publish", more news would come out. But it's time. Let's go!

 

#1 - The episode itself.

The overall reaction is that this is one of the best episodes of South Park in years. Agreed. This episode was an embarrassment of riches. The dirty looks when they entered the cathedral for the Queen's funeral, culminating in the "Earl of Halifax" farting on the stupid wife (Is it even really South Park without fart jokes?) The world's greatest candle. The title of the "memoir" - it's called "WAAAGH", and how absolutely perfect was the delivery of that line? 

 

 

We see them flying all over the world in a private jet, which eventually gets parked in front of their new house in...not Montecito. In South Park, right across the street from Kyle, who is not happy to see them. The amazing attention to detail in the magazine covers which are only onscreen a few seconds (The Royal Rogue did a great cover-by-cover review on YouTube - it starts around the 5:50 mark). 

 

The cartoon frozen "todger" (apparently British slang for johnson). Seriously, dudes, for future reference, when writing your autobiographies there is no need to wax poetic about your bad boy and the trouble it brings. The madness of branding and how phony it is ("The problem with you is you want the results without doing the work.") Nice touch: each brand's list of attributes included "victim". The empty-headed echo chamber. And the fact that they were never identified by name, and yet no one, and I mean NO. ONE. has expressed any doubt as to who inspired this episode.

I also loved the Beatlesque Worldwide Privacy Tour logo, which is now the background on my social media accounts.

Missing: Elizabeth Arden. Harry's bald spot. The single, left-eyed tear. But not to fear, there may be future episodes featuring the Prince and Princess of Canada. God knows there's plenty more ridiculousness to be mined. It's only a half-hour show, they could only fit so much into one episode.

Lone whiff: The Queen in her coffin without a lid on it. Not cool. Not sure what the point of that was.

The episode was ultimately sympathetic to Harry, which I used to be. Initially I saw him as a besotted clod who was thinking with the wrong head. But after hearing multiple excerpts from his autobiography "Waaagh!", I mean "Spare", he revealed himself as a bitter, petty, boring, self-absorbed jerk with no appreciation for the unimaginable wealth and privilege he's spent his entire life in thanks to a mere accident of birth, and someone who is absolutely devoid of even the smallest shred of self-awareness. In his own way, he's as unpleasant as his grasping, entitled, gold-digger, and at this point equally culpable in the abuse they have heaped on his family, her family, the British people, and pretty much anyone who doesn't think they're the greatest things in the world.

Contrast the depiction of Meghan - I mean the Princess of Canada - in this episode with the description of the Princess of Canada in "Royal Pudding", which was inspired by the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton as the bride walked down the aisle: "Isn't she ravishing, so pure of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face. She is indeed the living symbol of our great country. My God, she's beautiful." That's a long way from the hollow vessel that is the younger Prince of Canada's "Instagram-loving bitch wife".

#2: Public reaction

Like I mentioned earlier, this episode has received pretty much unanimous acclaim. I've yet to see anyone comment about it without raving and laughing about it. However, it seems there are a couple of people who weren't so impressed. Guess who!

#3: Pre-emptive strike attempt 

Prince Harry apparently tried to get the episode blocked! And was ignored! I was actually surprised to hear this. I hadn't heard a thing about it until they released the trailer just days before the episode aired. Apparently The Spare is a fan of censorship, as long as it doesn't extend to him blabbing about family members he knows can't respond publicly.

 

#4: Victimhood!!!

It's like the Underpants Gnomes: Step 1: Fuck up. Step 2: Get skewered by South Park. Step 3: Play the Victim! Just like it said on the show! Some people just never learn. They are actually having their lawyers looking into suing over the episode. I love how they blab unpleasant and personal stuff about other people, but fire up the legal system the minute there's a peep about them. Hypocrites. I'm no law student, but I'm pretty sure they can't sue for satire. 

Nope, not just me.

 

Yeah, Meghan never struck me as someone who has a sense of humor about herself. I do wonder, how can one be "upset and overwhelmed" by something they claim not to have seen? Riiiiight. Let me guess, it's only okay when she and Harry publicly trash people.

 

I also love how Matt & Trey haven't said a word in response to all this. It's like they're taking a page out of the Royal Family's playbook - don't give the immature brats the satisfaction of a reaction. Let your actions speak.

South Park is a natural friggin' treasure. Also, fun factoid: South Park Studios is located just a few miles from where I live. Kinda makes you proud.

From the Department of What Could Possibly Go Wrong and How Can I Use It in a Story?

 

Yeah, I'm adding this article to my writing notes, because it doesn't scream "dystopian society" AT ALL. *Sarcasm* (In case you didn't pick up on that.)

Bon Appetit shares my skepticism: Whole Foods Wants Your Handprints. What Could Possibly Go Wrong? From the article:

Jeff Bezos is one step closer to transforming your mortal bag of bones into a lean, mean, money-dispensing machine. The body part in question: Your hands. Amazon is rolling out its palm-scanning technology at more than 65 Whole Foods grocery stores in California over the coming weeks.

 

Customers can activate their palms by registering a handprint via an Amazon One kiosk or at checkout in participating stores. Along with a skin scan, you’ll need to offer a bank card, provide your phone number, and say “yes Jeff” to Amazon’s terms and conditions. Once set up, you can lug all the organic kale and age-defying collagen powder you like to checkout. You’ll hover a palm over the scanning device to pay—just as you would place a hand on the bible—then you’re good to go.

 

You need to read the whole article, because the author really isn't having any of this. And I'm not either. I remember writing checks at the checkstand, and really, it wasn't that hard. Now all we have to do is jam a credit card into a slot for a few seconds, and off we and our groceries go. Easy peasy. If that's too much of an inconvenience, I don't know what to tell you.

 

So apparently the way it works is that you give Amazon your unique handprint, they store it in the cloud or something like that, oh, and it's tied to your credit card. If that isn't a security breach begging to happen, I don't know what is.

 

Look, I like Whole Foods as much as the next person, but I'm also not keen on having my life turned into an episode of The Twilight Zone. So yeah, this one's a pass.

Recent reading: Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine (March/April 2022)

I am so far behind in reading. I have three books in progress and the new Ellery Queen and Alfred Hitchcock mags have already arrived, so it was a relief to finally finish something. 

 

"Send in the Clowns" by Paul Charles was probably my favorite. It's a murder mystery in which a minor, blink-and-you'll-miss-it clue gives the investigating detective the ability to unravel a clever but ultimately unsuccessful revenge killing. Dominique Beibau's "Russian For Beginners" is a claustrophobic tale of an avid spelunker lost in a Russian cave; the moment at the end when he finally figures how and why he got lost is absolutely haunting. I also enjoyed Edith Maxwell's "Bye-Bye, JoJo" a brief but entertaining tale about a woman who has no patience with noisy neighbors and their barking dogs.

Some other good ones: Michael Caleb Tasker's bleak "Another Saturday Night" looks at desperate lives in New Orleans. By the end, you do hope that the main character, Sal, a night shift blackjack dealer, does move on, hopefully to bigger and better things. Lou Manfredo's "Sundown" is an interesting whodunit about a pair of detectives seeking the killer of young woman. And I have a soft spot for Tim Baker's "The Rendezvous" because of its clever switch-up of a character's understanding of what it means when someone is about to report to the CIA - in this case, the Culinary Institute of America, not the spy agency. Oops!

In Anna Scotti's "Schrodinger, Cat" a woman confronts her college professor boyfriend after seeing him with another woman and has to deal with his increasingly bizarre explanations for his increasingly odd behavior. How and why she exacts revenge provided a neat twist ending. "Justice" by Cath Staincliffe starts with the line, "She used a claw hammer." Why she used a claw hammer is eventually revealed in a way that thwarts the very justice she was trying to achieve.

From "Bye-Bye, JoJo": If that dog doesn't stop barking, I'm going to kill someone. It's not like I don't know how.

Recent reading: Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine

Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine (September/October 2021)

I've decided to start including these because they're basically collections of short stories - some of which are damn good - and the mag is big enough that it does take a while to get through, so it does require an investment of time and attention.

My personal favorite this issue is the cover story, "Glass", by James R. Benn, in which an iPad time-travels to1960's rural Texas where a couple of guys down on their luck find a most unique way to plagiarize a future author. "No God West of Hays" is a tough, terrific western written by someone (Eric B. Ruark) who clearly knows the genre. Other favorites in this issue are "The Shoemaker's Children" by Tom Savage and revenge tale "Ice Ice Baby" by Barb Goffman.

From the magazine's website: Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine is one of the oldest and most influential magazines of short mystery and crime fiction in the world. Launched over 60 years ago, today AHMM maintains a tradition of featuring both promising aspiring writers and talented authors, spanning the full spectrum of sub-genres from dark noir to graphic works.

Los Angeles Magazine headlines suggest we're having a big fat fun staycation

Actual headline on page 19: Blow It Up! Blast the AC and enjoy life indoors with spicy hot sauces, awesome new TV shows, and virtual Pride celebrations. Plus chic summer fashions (and masks) for venturing out.

Seriously Los Angeles Magazine??? Apparently I completely missed that the past couple of months have been one big carefree party that our political overlords seem determined to continue indefinitely. My invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.

I guess I shouldn't be shocked. This is the same magazine whose cover currently sports these headlines: INSIDE THE BUNKER WITH ERIC GARCETTI The Mayor's Epic Battle To Save Us From The Plague and KINGS AND QUEENS OF THE QUARANTINE. The list of virtual pride festivities on page 38 bears the title PARTY STILL ON! 

Gotta say, I haven't seen quarantine coverage this tone-deaf since Nancy Pelosi Antoinette posed in front of her $10k+ fridge, showing off cartons of ice cream whose price tags would have Whole Foods agape.

A quick glance through this rag would suggest we've spent the past two months partying like it's 1999, rather than suffering through an unprecedented societal and economic disaster that may or may not have been completely necessary depending on which doctors you listen to, and may or may not be at least partly politically driven at the expense of hard-working, law-abiding people who deserve better.

I've seen a couple of stories online just in the past few days about people committing suicide due to their livelihoods being destroyed by the lockdown and I expect to see more. A few days ago I watched a video of a man in tears because he's losing his life's work, a humble music store, also due to the lockdown. The tone of those stories are nothing like Los Angeles Magazine's giddy hipster headlines.

You know who isn't going to go broke or lose their livelihoods? You know who won't be sobbing on camera because their businesses have been destroyed, who won't be offing themselves because life has become unbearable through no fault of their own? People like Nancy Pelosi, Eric Garcetti and their ilk. They are going to be among the few who emerge from this situation feeling like kings and queens of the quarantine, while most of the constituents they don't give a shit about will find themselves newly cast as paupers, many in spite of a lifetime of hard work.

The magazine's rah-rah approach to what's happened to us since mid-March is jarring. I'll be interested to see if in future issues it profiles Angelenos whose businesses and lives were destroyed by the mayor's epic battle with the flu (fixed it for ya, Los Angeles Magazine) and the open-ended shutdown Garcetti and California Governor Gavin Newsom take such delight in threatening us peons with. Given that the magazine reads like a mouthpiece for those guys, I doubt it. The few paragraphs given to Californians rallying for the lockdown to be lifted before the state's economy is totally annihilated is tellingly titled JOINING FORCES FOR NO GOOD. Yep, tone-deaf.

On the other hand maybe I should take into consideration that Los Angeles Magazine isn't aimed at the average Angeleno like me, but at the city's elite, people who can weather prolonged loss of earnings, or like our politicians, haven't missed a paycheck. It's not geared to the Los Angeles I'm a part of. I wish this issue had come out last month, because I just sent in the renewal a few weeks ago and I wouldn't have if I'd seen this issue before I wrote that check. Turns out that probably wasn't a great use of my money. Oh well, guess I'm just gonna have to pass on that fashionable Johnny Was face mask touted on page 32.

Sigh

Got the new Westways Magazine from Auto Club today, and was greeted by this:

I know what to do in Marina del Rey, Westways.

Except live there, apparently.

An interesting source for short story inspiration

Advice columns!

To date, I have sold over 60 short stories to glossy magazines. Advice columns inspired me to write close to half of those stories. Whenever I am facing writer's block, I scroll through advice column letters, hunting for inspiration. For me, there is no better way to jumpstart a short story then to read bizarre letters from strangers seeking intimate advice from another total stranger.

Read the whole thing here. H/T to Freedom With Writing on FB for the link.

Challenge accepted!!!

From Los Angeles Magazine, it's the 100 Places Where You Can Experience Retro Los Angeles.

Some of them I've never even heard of, a lot of them I'm aware of and a number of them I've driven by countless times but never stopped in. I'm embarrassed to say I can only check off seven of the places on this list so far:

26. Canter's Deli
29. Larry Edmund's Bookstore
35. Kip's Toyland
53. The Apple Pan
54. Mel's Drive-In (Hollywood and West Hollywood)
55. Canterbury Records
62. Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel (work lunches in the restaurant in the lobby)

Going to have to hit some of those other places and flesh out this list.

H/T to The Streamline Moderne Era on Facebook for the link.

California Crime Writers Conference - a brief recap

Earlier this month the bi-annual California Crime Writers Conference, co-sponsored by Sisters in Crime/Los Angeles and the Southern California Chapter of Mystery Writers of America, was held in Culver City. It's a much smaller, cozier version of bigger conferences like Bouchercon and Left Coast Crime, but don't let that fool you - CCWC gets the same exceptional writers for their panels, many of whom I've seen at the bigger conferences. It's a great two days.

Topics included:

• The differences of writing for print and for television, with a big shout-out to the Hallmark Mysteries & Movie Channel, which has been buying up book series including Charlaine Harris's Aurora Teagarden series (starring Candace Cameron-Bure), Suzi Weinert's Garage Sale Mysteries (starring Lori Loughlin), as well as panelist Phoef Sutton's upcoming Darrow & Darrow, and panelist Kate Carlisle's Fixer Upper Mysteries, which star singer Jewel. Hallmark has very specific content requirements - they changed the name of Carlisle's This Old Homicide to Framed for Murder, because "homicide" isn't a word they'll use in a title.
• Panelist Hollie Overton: When dealing with Hollywood, expect to be disappointed, then you'll be pleasantly surprised. Panelist Wendall Thomas, a fellow LAst Resort contributor, indicated that her story, "Eggs Over Dead" pretty much sums up her feelings about dealing with Hollywood producers.
• Guest of Honor William Kent Kruger gave a terrific talk on building suspense. Among his suggestions: Visceral danger to either the protagonist or someone important to the protagonist, a difficult confrontation repeatedly delayed (ex: Silence of the Lambs), isolation (usual support not available), super-protagonist vs. super-antagonist (Holmes vs. Moriarty, two great minds pitted against each other), and of course the good old ticking time bomb. Kruger also gave a terrific speech during the Sunday luncheon.
• Marketing: Panelist Nancy Cole Silverman: When you finish the book you think most of the work is done. No one tells you it's just beginning. Panelist Elaine Ash recommended revealing personal issues related to your writing because people will relate and connect with them (which she did with us). 
• Other marketing recommendations included speaking engagements, podcasts, multiple online platforms (Silverman has three Facebook accounts: personal, writer, and one for her book series, and also does a quarterly newsletter that always includes a contest), GoodReads and BookBub. Moderator Carlene O'Neil writes a winery series and has reached out to wineries and wine magazines. They also seemed high on leave behinds/giveaways including magnets and bookmarks - the more imaginative the better. You want something people will keep.
• Matt Coyle, my editor on LAst Resort, moderated a panel on overplotting, which was described as "too many plates spinning". Panelist Craig Faustus Buck opined that you know you're doing it when you start to fall asleep while reading your material - everything in the book should be tied to the narrative and keep it moving. Panelist Terri Nolan uses a blank calendar to plot her stories.
• During a panel on short stories and novellas, panelist Kate Thornton stressed the importance of reading the contract if you make a sale, sharing a contract horror story. She had sold a story to an online publication for $100. A few years later she was approached by a film company for the rights, only to find that she had completely signed them over to the website. The panel recommended going with well-known markets like Alfred Hitchcock Magazine and Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine. 
• Thornton said she likes to take frustrating experiences and turn them into short stories to exact revenge, or as she phrased it, "Setting things right."
• I also won a gift basket from author Catherine Pelonero that includes a signed copy of her upcoming book Absolute Madness. I saw her at the last CCWC and got a signed copy of her previous book on the Kitty Genovese murder and its aftermath.

Like I said, CCWC is a terrific conference and I highly recommend it. Next CCWC will take place in June 2019.

Writing advice: Write what haunts you...whatever that might be

The last couple of days I started jotting down notes for an idea using stuff from my life. I don't usually draw from my own life because to be honest, it hasn't been all that exciting or marked by amazing accomplishments. I just sort of exist.

But for some reason I'm suddenly jotting down little experiences that have stayed with me over the years and trying to work out how I could turn them into a novel-length story. And not the good things, the other things. One of my notes: "This could be cathartic."

Just little things. Nothing that the average person would consider life-changing, good bad or otherwise. I would say I consider these experiences to "haunt" me based on the question, "Why do I still remember this stupid thing after all these years?" It's not like I've had a life of epic tragedy, but everyone has their internal scars. Which is why I was so happy to read these quotes from Mary Casanova's article at Strand Magazine:

When I first heard other authors talk about writing what haunts you, I thought it meant I had to have come from a dreadful, abused childhood.

I worried that my early years...doomed me as a writer. There simply hadn't been enough pain and anguish.

Most of us are fortunate that our lives weren't spent enduring years of misery, but for some people there are seemingly small things that end up defining them, or at least haunting them. There are days when I can't remember what I had for lunch the day before, but there are memories from childhood and my earlier adulthood that seem to have followed me all through life. Things that might not seem like big deals to others, but for some reason I can't shake them.

Sometimes little things become big things, at least to the individual that they happen to. And for me, I think there's a story in that, or at least that can come out of that.