What I've been missing, courtesy of Hollywood Patch and Curbed L.A.

Still in Hawaii for ongoing family stuff.  Yeah, it's not the worst place to be stuck, but it's not home.

Luckily the internets are doing a pretty decent job of keeping me apprised of the goings-on back in the City of Angles so I don't feel so left out.  This is especially true of Hollywood Patch, which is rapidly becoming one of my favorite source for all things local.

Here are just a few examples of what's going on in crazy hometown in my absence:

Just another festive Saturday night in Hollywood: Shooting outside a Franklin x Cahuenga nightclub, pedestrian mowed down by party bus and left in grave condition, idiot runs out into lanes on the 101 and is left in dead condition.  People, if God wants you to be on the 101 he will put you in a car first and even then there are no guarantees.

Some friendly advice: Drunk in public is never going to work to your advantage and sex in a public place is a bad idea.  Not being a drunken slut willing to have sex in the Arclight garage would probably also help avoid awkward situations involving law enforcement, the media, and criminal misunderstandings.

How the heck did I miss this?  LAPD gun buyback program rewards include Ralphs and Visa giftcards.  I would rue not owning any illegal firearms but I would have missed it anyway.  I'll just have to continue have to pay for my groceries with cash and not by holding the place up.
Update: The buyback netted 2,000+ weapons, including "953 handguns, 688 rifles, 330 shotguns and 91 assault-style rifles".  That's a lot of giftcards.

The American Cinematheque is showing off its sense of humor with a Mother's Day screening of Mommie Dearest at the Egyptian this evening.  Tickets appear to still be available.

Via Curbed L.A. this happened at the Hollywood Roosevelt last week.  I'd have been there taking pictures if I'd been home, but instead we'll all have to settle for this awesome video:

It might have sucked to actually be in one of those rooms while this was going on, but I would have loved to have seen it.

On the upside, I also missed Jennifer Lopez at Hollywood & Highland, so I've got that working in my favor.

 

Home sweet home

Arclight rapist caught

Okay fine, alleged rapist.  Via Hollywood Patch.  Either way you call it, I'm just glad they got this guy off the streets.

Attention writer/directors: Screenwriting Expo adds film festival

This is for you:

In this festival, the writer-director is the entrant.  The director must be one of the writers. 

All the rules, regulations and other pertinent info are here.

So glad to be posting this and not spending the entire morning on a politically related long-ass post *fingers crossed*

How to make a story out of nothing

Talk about Much Ado About Nothing: White House asks teeny-tiny weekly California paper to remove perceived unflattering remark about Michelle Obama from an article about Marine One (the helicopter version of Air Force One).

She also wrote a sentence that the White House thought made FLOTUS look snooty.

“Basically the reporter said that the First Lady didn’t speak to the pilots but acknowledged them by making eye contact,” Allen wrote in her email.

Allen says she “complied” with the White House’s request “because it was not worth making a fuss over.”

She added, “I thought it was interesting, though, that the [White House] was concerned enough about image to contact a little weekly paper in Pleasanton.”

A sentence. All this fuss over a sentence. It wasn't like the article was a hit piece on FLOTUS, it was a fluff piece about a helicopter that mentioned her.

Replace "concerned enough about image" with "thin-skinned" and "hyper-sensitive" and I'm in. Seriously, remember all the unrestrained and at times hysterical criticism and crap President Bush took over every single thing he said or did and basically ignored it? It's called being an adult. And come on, isn't this Celebrity 101? You put yourself in the public eye, people are going to comment on you and it's not all going to be flattering. Besides, what happened to no such thing as bad publicity?

This is why people in the public eye have handlers. Anyone who put any thought into the situation could have advised that by doing this, you would draw much more attention to the article and the offending comment than if you just ignored it. If they hadn't, probably very few people outside of Pleasanton (population 69,000) would have seen it. Now it's on Drudge Report (population 40,788,912 in the past 24 hours) and it looks petty.

To me the bigger issue here is whether or not the reporter's observations were accurate. If not, then sure, ask that they be edited out because of their inaccuracy. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Also, consider that at times Michelle Obama has seemingly conducted herself like a queen. The White House didn't seem too concerned about the extravagance (real or perceived) of the infamous Spain trip, not to mention this is the same woman who put in an appearance at a food bank clad in $500 sneakers. Did the White House really think anyone who happened to be in the Pleasanton Weekly's limited readership (who also happened to find the prospect of a "soft feature" about the Presidential helicopter worth a read) would bat an eye at the idea of this woman only semi-acknowledging the hired help? Did they think anyone would?

As a writer I should be taking better notes on this president and everybody he surrounds himself with. By the time he's out of office I could redefine the political thriller as bumbling comedy.

I really hadn't meant for the blog to get all political lately, but when life gives you story material you write it down (or something like that, lemons and lemonade...) I think it might be because I dumped the Twitter and Facebook accounts recently so I have two fewer places to vent wax poetic about the world around me. The blog is pretty much it these days.

And story material is all around me. 

Everybody walks past a thousand story ideas every day. The good writers are the ones who see five or six of them. Most people don't see any. (Orson Scott Card)

More Bin Laden news

This just in: Osama Bin Laden is still dead.

Looking out for Numero Uno: Pathetic to the end, Osama used his wife as a human shield.  Update: The story now is that she either jumped in front of him or lunged at the Navy Seals in a threatening manner, rather than Osama using her as a shield.  Hopefully the story isn't being sanitized to spare the delicate sensibilities of The Dead One's fellow peace-loving Muslims.  Regardless of what happened, you would really think and hope our powers that be would have the story straight before revealing it to the world.

<Ricky Ricardo voice> Looks like Paaahkeeestaaan has some 'splainin to do! </Ricky Ricardo voice>

And from Twitter, this: OsamaInHell.  Some choice tweets:

 

In addition to giving voice to Osama In Hell, Twitter served as the most up to the moment source for ongoing news about the operation.

Speaking of Twitter, there was also this: The guy in Abbottabad who inadvertently live-tweeted the whole thing as it went down.

Watch your back in the Arclight parking garage

Via Hollywood Patch: Men sought in sexual assault in Hollywood parking garage.

Keep your eyes open, don't go out in deserted areas or structures at odd hours without backup and be safe everyone!

Invasion of the Bin Laden Snatchers

Forget Al Gore and Michael Moore - someone please give Barack Obama a well deserved Oscar for his performance yesterday as Warmongering Nazi George W. Bush in Death of a Terrorist Asshole.  Hopefully during his Academy Award acceptance speech PrezBo will remember to thank the Navy Seals who actually punched the trigger on Bin Laden's long overdue one way ticket to hell (after he thanks his fanbase, the mainstream media, of course).

I have to admit that speech last night was impressive as hell.  It was 100% pro-American and I didn't notice Obama so much as flinching in discomfort even once as he proudly announced the death of a monster responsible for thousands of deaths by terrorism man-caused disasters.   In fact his passionate, shameless patriotism in that speech would put your average Tea Partier to shame.

There was none of the usual bipartisan derision or snarky comments about those who don't agree with him on everything, and he hardly made it all about himself at all.  He certainly didn't downplay his role in this historic event, but when it was over he turned and walked away, leaving the American public to their exuberant celebrations and ongoing love affair with our military and everything they do for us.

I couldn't help but wondering where he got his new speechwriters (borrowed from Chimpy McBushitler?) or if he'd been replaced by an Invasion of the Body Snatchers-style pod Obama.  Seriously, it was like listening to President Bush cowboying up in the face of a cruel, vicious enemy.  In other words, it was like 2001 all over again, only without the horrifying images.

Speaking of Bush, I really need to listen to the speech again and much more carefully, to see if Obama gave the Kamikaze Cowboy credit for having the guts to launch the war on terror after the attacks of 9/11, especially after the criticism Bush was subjected to when he made his emotional statement about hunting Bin Laden ("I don't care.  Dead or alive.  Either way, it doesn't matter to me.")  Because when you get right down to it, we didn't care either.  Well, yes we did.  We preferred dead and it took nearly a decade, but we got it.  Right between the eyes, up close and personal.  I take great pleasure in knowing that the murdering bastard spent his last few moments knowing an American serviceman was about to put a bullet in him.  Cowboy up if you have a problem with that.  Live by the sword, die by the sword.  Bin Laden didn't get anything better or worse than what he deserved.

Biggest props of all go to the Navy Seals who selflessly and gladly put their lives on the line for this operation while the rest of us (especially our entitled, coddled politicians) were safe in our bubble at home.   Best of all there were no American casualties in the take down operation.  Score one for the good guys.

I also really hope this can give some comfort to the friends and loved ones of those who were needlessly slaughtered on 9/11 at the hands of Bin Laden and his fellow nutjobs. 

Of course Tinseltown has to get into the act.  It hasn't even been 24 hours, but is Hollywood suddenly jumping on the pro-America bandwagon?  Via Big Hollywood: Hunt for Bin Laden projects could be fast-tracked and Hollywood Reporter: Upcoming book on Navy Seals suddenly hot (bidding war for screen rights commences in 5...4...3...).

Deadlines!

The Disney/ABC Writing Program is currently accepting submissions and applications.  The submission period is May 1 through June 1.

The Warner Bros. Writers' Workshop is accepting submissions beginning tomorrow through June 1.

The Screenwriting Expo Screenwriting Competition is currently open to entries.  Final deadline is July 10.  They have categories for feature, teleplay and short.  The Screenwriting Expo itself will take place September 15-18 at the Westin Los Angeles Airport Hotel.

An inconvenient truth: Even tree hugging hippies have a price.

For the Santa Monica Mountains Conservancy, that price is a cool million in cash and "services".

The state planning agency that oversees open space in the Santa Monica Mountains will drop its opposition to a controversial bid by U2 guitarist The Edge to build a compound of homes above Malibu in exchange for more than $1 million in funding, consulting services and trail easements from the musician and his partners.

The Edge would like to build a compound of five mansions on the 156 acre chunk of land.  I'm sure it would fit right in.  Oh, wait...

But the project has been stymied by widespread opposition from conservation groups and the California Coastal Commission, who say it would scar an undeveloped ridgeline visible from much of the Malibu coastline and disturb geological features and sensitive habitat.

In 2009 the conservancy wrote a letter to the coastal commission strongly opposing the project, saying it was inconsistent with the state Coastal Act and would be impossible to build without “unavoidable significant adverse visual and ecological impacts.”

Gotta say, the Santa Monica Mountains Conservancy sold out waaaay to cheap.  One million has to be chump change to this guy.  Seriously, he'll probably dig it out from between the cushions of his sofa.

Maybe it's because I'm not celeb-obsessed, but he looks like the kind of tool who would build a huge compound in the Santa Monica Mountains. 

And from our friends at The Department of Stating the Obvious:

Critics characterized the deal as Evans buying the agency’s silence.

You don't say?

Let's just hope the California Coastal Commission and The Sierra Club (both mentioned in the article as still opposing the development) can withstand the siren call of The Edge's filthy lucre.


Pic snicked from L.A. Times article linked above.

Flawed but fascinating character brings our long national nightmare to an end.

Yesterday, Barack Obama and his administration did something they should have done a long time ago: They released Obama's birth certificate.

It's about damn time.  I mean, what took them so long?  Especially since this is the official Obama/White House take (at least publicly) on the matter:

"The President believed the distraction over his birth certificate wasn't good for the country...it was bad for the American people and distracting from the many challenges we face as a country,"

"At a time of great consequence for this country--when we should be debating how we win the future, reduce our deficit, deal with high gas prices, and bring stability to the Middle East, Washington, DC, was once again distracted by a fake issue," Pfeiffer said. "The President's hope is that with this step, we can move on to debating the bigger issues that matter to the American people and the future of the country."

Really?  It's because they care?  Obama released the "certificate of live birth" in 2008 and despite the uproar that it wasn't sufficient proof and that supposedly "The President believed the distraction over his birth certificate wasn't good for the country", he waited until 2011 to put this matter to bed.  If it was so bad for the country, why didn't he just release it in 2008 and spare his supposedly beloved America from being "distracted by a fake issue"?  Is it because he's childish and immature and has to do things his way?  Because he felt it was politically advantageous to hold this matter over the heads of his opponents?

"We're not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers."

As usual, it was someone else's fault.  The guy is literally unable to accept responsibility for anything.

If it wasn't a legitimate issue but the ridiculous stuff of sideshows and carnies, why not release the birth certificate in 2008 and put this to bed quickly and easily?  By dragging it out for years it was Obama and his administration, not "carnival barkers" or those cahraaazy birthers, that made the birth certificate issue not only seem like a legitimate thing to question, but kept it in the news and turned it into a distraction and a sideshow. 

 "I'll take Things That Are Bad For America for two hundred, Alex.  What?"

On a fictional side note I would really love to see the American Sideshow Carnival Barkers Association protest the President's characterization of them as nutjobs and the resulting backpedaling and obligatory apology, and possibly another beer summit.  Yeah, that's going in the script.

Mr. Obama said he has watched the debate over his birth place with bemusement.

Disingenuous much?  Because again, he could have easily quashed this matter years ago.  And since being born here is a requirement for the job, I'm not sure what was so confusing to him about people simply wanting this important matter cleared up, especially if it was something that could have been dealt with so easily.  A few years ago I signed up with a temp agency that asked me to bring in a copy of my birth certificate (among other documents) and you know what?  They got it.  It wasn't a big deal.  A friggin' temp agency.

Press hard Mr. President, you're making three copies!

Why wait?  Why now, finally?

Fritzworth at Ace of Spades HQ has some interesting answers to those questions and I agree that #3 is the most telling and compelling (bold mine):

Obama has just handed the Republican Party an enormous gift in releasing his long-form birth certificate (or, as Obama curiously put it, "additional information"). Why does this help the GOP? Three reasons, at least:

1) It deflates (and may even kill off) the Trump candidacy. I see this as a great help to the GOP; your mileage may vary.

2) It provides every other GOP presidential candidate coverage on the birth issue ("Hey, he released his birth certificate. That's good enough for me."). For that matter, it should help relegate birthers to a much smaller corner of the GOP big tent.

3) It shows the internal stress that Obama and his camp are feeling.

Let's talk about that last item. Obama could have done this months or years ago, but didn't. More importantly, he could have held off for months more -- particularly until the GOP campaign was far more advanced, with various candidates committed (or not) to the birther issue -- and then released it to make birther-sympathetic (or even -agnostic) candidates look like fools. But he released it now. Why?

Well, it's hard not to believe that Drudge's headline of yesterday ("Only 38% of Americans certain Obama born here", or words to that effect) was a motivation. Likewise, it's hard to believe that the pending release (in three weeks) of "Where's the Birth Certificate?" by Jerome Corsi (currently #28 overall in books on Amazon) isn't a factor as well.

I think that Obama and his campaign managers are very worried. Poll numbers are dropping. Late night comics have started to turn on Obama. Even the New York Times noted that the QE2 flooding provided little stimulus but has fueled inflation. And...only 38% of Americans are sure Obama was born here.

In the game of Go, there is a concept called sente. If you have sente, it means that your opponent is forced to respond directly to each of your moves rather than carry out his own strategy. This release by Obama suggests the Republicans have sente right now. Obama has been trying to maintain (or regain) sente himself by attacking Ryan Paul Ryan and other fiscal realists as "extremists", but I think he's losing even that effort.

Even late night comics are turning on him?  Surely that's a sign of the Obamapocalypse.  You're talking about a guy who is notoriously thin-skinned and who thrives on political popularity (especially in the popular and mainstream media) and the tacit approval that popularity confers on him personally.

See, here's how I look at it: How can I use this in a script?  There are so many options.  The character whose citizenship is in question could be a power-hungry man-child who bristles at any criticism, no matter how increasingly legitimate it might be.  On second thought, that might be too obvious.

Obama would make a great fictional character.  Endlessly flawed but unable to see himself as the least bit lacking, surrounded by yes men and a yes media.  He dismisses his critics with a smug, narcissistic condescension that reminds one of a child who has to have the last word Every. Single. Time.  As a writer, I am endlessly fascinated by the flawed character that is Barack Obama.  Perfect characters are annoying and boring.  Heroes, like the rest of us, cannot be perfect, they have to their vulnerabilities.  There's a difference between vulnerability and weakness.  One is human and other humans can relate to it, the other is a character flaw.  Villains can't tell the difference, so they hide both their weaknesses and vulnerabilities behind destructive, anti-social actions.

The problem with this scenario is that Barack Obama isn't a fictional character.  He's real.  Very real.  And very flawed.  It would be nice to see him let down the facade once in a while and show some humanity that all of his constituents - not just those that kiss his ass - could connect to.  I'm not holding my breath.  I think he would consider that weak, not to mention he doesn't seem to feel the need to connect with anyone not kissing his ass.

Maybe he wanted or needed this to be a distraction.  But why?  What could be worse than being President without the birth certificate to back it up?  What even more nefarious plan or action is he trying to distract us from?  Dun dun DUUUUUUUNNNN!!!!

And that's the thing about Obama, at least in my opinion.  As a character, he's fascinating and watchable.  The audience would be waiting breathlessly to see what stunt he pulls next and even more importantly, gets away with next (with a big assist to his enablers in the media) before a true hero eventually brings him down.

I'm also fascinated by his tendency to bow to foreign leaders he has no obligation to kowtow to, especially those that rank among royalty in their own countries.  In my story, that's what he aspires to.  He doesn't just want to be President, he wants to be King.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

BIDEN

I'm just saying, maybe next 
time don't bow to the Saudi 
King.  It looks bad to the 
American people.

REID

The people?

PELOSI

You know, the little people.

Biden, Reid and Pelosi laugh hysterically, then exit.

OBAMA

Fools.  I'll show them.  
Someday I'll be king.  And 
everyone will  bow down before 
meeeee!!!  AHAHAHAHA!!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. TEA PARTY RALLY - MORNING

Oh yeah.  That's definitely going in the script.

Podium pic snicked from Wall Street Journal article linked above
Signing pic by Carolyn Kaster/AP

Goodnight, sweet goalie

The Kings were eliminated last night in Game 6 of the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs, so this is the post in which I officially kiss the 2010-2011 season goodbye.  We had such high hopes for you, boys.  October 2010 doesn't seem that long ago.  This season really flew by.

We still love you Kings (especially you, Jonathan Quick)

Bring on 2011-2012.  God knows it can't be any crazier or more frustrating than what we just went through, especially since the guys are going to be another year older, another year wiser (right???) and more experienced.  It will also hopefully see the arrival and emergence of Brayden Schenn (and a few other promising prospects) as full-fledged NHLers.

Also, we seriously need scoring and a decent power play.  A couple of goals here and there (on the PP and at full strength) and the Kings season plays out very differently.  This was an issue all year and needs to be addressed.  We absolutely cannot go through another season wishing league rules allowed us to decline power plays.

Congratulations to the San Jose Sharks for moving on to the second round.  Here's hoping your fans actually stay for the rest of your games, win or lose.

Photo credit: Danny Moloshok (AP)

Via Franklin Avenue: When cable channels were what they said they were

During the 80's, I can remember thinking that 80's era stuff just wasn't going to age well.  As awesome as it all seemed at the time, it was just a gut feeling I had and I think I've been proven right over the years.  Let's face it, those of us who lived it and wore crap like leggings, torn t-shirts and six inches of bangle bracelets on arms bared by shoved-up jacket sleeves have become laughable relics of a decade probably best remembered for unfortunate fashion choices.  Although I will say that after going through an awkward "guilty pleasure" stage, the music has held up a lot better than expected.

One thing we did have going for us during that decade was the advent of cable and its shiny new networks.  Unlike the big three broadcast nets (ABC, CBS and NBC) cable stations were much more specific in their programming and were dedicated to a particular audience, be it through genre or artisitic preservation and/or philosophy.  Let's see how those noble intentions held up over the years, shall we?

The always awesome Franklin Avenue brings us this collection of cable station promos from the 80's, when a cable channel's programming actually matched up with their name and stated mission.  Of course I have to weigh in with my own smart ass observations of the promos versus current programming.

TLC (The Learning Channel): Then: Inner space, outer space, international programming, college prep, arts & crafts and history.  Now: I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, 19 and Counting, Kate Plus Eight, Sister Wives, Toddlers and Tiaras, My Strange Addiction, and Hoarding: Buried Alive.  What exactly are we supposed to be learning here?

A&E (Arts & Entertainment Network): Hoarders, Intervention, Relapse, Parking Wars, Storage Wars.  In their defense, A&E also airs The First 48 (arguably the best real-life crime show on television) and Criminal Minds reruns, so perhaps a better name for the net would be C&E (Crime & Entertainment or Crap & Entertainment, depending on when you happen to tune in).

VH1 (Video Hits 1): "Coming up this hour, videos..."  Hahaha, kidding!!!  The one-time home of Pop-Up Video now brings us Celebrity Rehab, Ru Paul's Drag Race, My Big Friggin' Wedding, Mob Wives, Basketball Wives and various showcases for a batch of has-beens and never-weres who fit the basic cabler's no doubt extremely limited budget.

AMC (American Movie Classics) "...the way they were meant to be seen, uncut and uninterrupted."  Psych!!!  AMC went to the dark side when they decided that classic films were not, in fact, meant to be seen uncut and uninterrupted (no doubt to the delight of Turner Classic Films and Fox Movie Channel).  To AMC's credit they have been extremely successful since moving into original programming a few years ago with Emmy winners Mad Men and Breaking Bad, but that's all the more reason for them to rebrand with a more accurate name.

Bravo: The hardest U-turn of any of these channels.  I mean, watch the promo.  Anouk Aimee?  Anita O'Day?  Teresa Wright?  Geraldine Chaplin?  Merchant Ivory?  French New Wave?  Godard?  Truffaut?  Fellini?  Who are these people?  Forget them, tune in to Bravo nowadays for the painfully awkward manufactured drama of shallow, obnoxious and unlikeable personal trainers, stylists, real estate agents and social-climbing housewives.  Sure, the artists mentioned in Bravo's 1987 promo may not have been relateable, but at least we could admire them and their work.  Another net that should rebrand.  May I suggest RSN (Reality Suckage Network).

The Family Channel (currently ABC Family): ABC Family is the anti-Bravo in that it has not strayed far from its original incarnation, despite several changes in ownership.  I can't really think of anything snarky to say about its lineup.  Interesting factoid: There was a stipulation in The Family Channel's sale from founder Pat Robertson's CBN (Christian Broadcasting Network) to secular ownership in 1997 that required the channel to continue to carry religious programming, which is does to this day.

HLN (Headline News): Back when the news business meant actually reporting the news rather than editing or slanting it to push an agenda (at least not as blatantly as they do today) and We Report, You Decide was every news outlet's unofficial slogan, Headline News was a go-to network for breaking news.  How does 1986 Headline News compare to today's HLN?  Initially airing tightly-formatted 30-minute newcasts around the clock, since 2005, the channel has increasingly aired long-form pop culture news and opinion programming.  Current programming includes shows hosted by Joy Behar, Dr. Drew and Nancy Grace.  Don't worry, nowadays in case of emergency there's always Twitter for breaking news.

BTW, if you enjoy old promos then Franklin Avenue needs to be a weekly destination, especially for Southern Californians.  Most of the retro promos Mike posts are old local ads and are guaranteed to send you into an Angeleno nostalgia fest.  Retro Fridays are just one of many reasons FA is one of the most popular and important L.A. blogs.